Creating, communicating and enforcing healthy boundaries
Posted on 20th March 2025
'Boundaries' is a commonplace word in this modern world. Yet in my experience, we all have times when we struggle to set, communicate and reinforce our own personal boundaries in our every day lives.
Maintaining your boundaries is super important for your emotional well-being.
Boundaries are like suits of armour, protecting you from toxic relationships and
difficult situations.
Why have boundaries in a relationship?
Boundaries protect love, they allow us to feel free to give without fear of being taken advantage of or abused. They help us keep balance in a relationship.
What do we often fear with boundaries?
Fear of loss of the relationship, being abandoned, fear of confrontation and of feeling guilty.
Can boundaries help co-dependence?
Perhaps you give too much to someone who can do things for themselves?
Perhaps you caretake out of guilt but then feel resentful?
Boundaries promote a feeling of freedom to be who you are.
Why set boundaries?
Setting boundaries offers numerous benefits, both for personal well-being and in relationships with others. Here are some key advantages:
Improved Mental Health: Boundaries help protect your mental health by ensuring that you are not overwhelmed by others' demands or expectations. They allow you to prioritise your own needs and reduce stress and anxiety.
Enhanced Self-Esteem: By setting boundaries, you affirm your self-worth and demonstrate self-respect. This can lead to improved self-esteem and confidence.
Better Relationships: Healthy boundaries lead to more respectful and balanced relationships. They help prevent resentment and misunderstandings by clearly communicating what you are comfortable with.
Increased Autonomy: Boundaries empower you to make decisions that align with your values and desires, fostering a sense of independence and control over your life.
Protection from Burnout: In work and personal life, boundaries help prevent burnout by ensuring you do not over-commit or take on more than you can handle.
Reduced Conflict: Clear boundaries can reduce conflicts by setting expectations and preventing misunderstandings or overstepping.
What stops us from enforcing our boundaries?
As humans, we do care about others, and this can get in the way of maintaining our boundaries, we can feel uncomfortable about enforcing boundaries in some situations such as:
Your relationship with the other person
Your connection to the situation
The length of time you've gone without setting a boundary
Identifying what's stopping you and what you are feeling
Being aware is always the key to empowering yourself to make a change.
Above, I've listed 3 physical situations that may deter you from communicating your boundaries.
What about the emotional feelings around boundary setting and sticking to them?
Here are some of the common emotions we can feel when addressing our personal boundaries. These can feel overwhelming but I can assure you that you are still doing the right thing, for them and for you if a boundary needs to be set.
A way you can tell if a boundary needs to be set is you may feel uncomfortable or resentful in interactions. You may feel your voice is not heard or the other person is treating you in a dismissive way or is even aggressive or violent towards you. If you are scared of someone do get help, do not try and do this alone.
Guilt
Guilt is a symptom of believing that you've done something wrong. It is possible to feel guilt even when you are doing something right.
The more comfortable you start to feel with setting boundaries, the less guilt you will feel.
Some people may try to make you feel guilty when setting a boundary. Do not be swayed by this.
Remember: If you have not done anything to harm another person, guilt is not appropriate or helpful. You are not responsible for everything that someone else feels. You are responsible for honoring your own needs.
Sadness
It is natural that you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so you may feel sad about establishing boundaries. Even if it isn't obvious how the other person feels, you may feel sad at the thought of making someone else feel sad. It is healthy to be empathetic, and your feelings are a sign that you care about others.
I repeat: You are not responsible for what someone else feels, you are responsible for honoring your own needs and feelings.
Betrayal
Setting boundaries and limits with others does not mean that you don't love them. Boundaries are a way to keep relationships healthy between you both. They can keep the relationship strong, respectful and fulfilling to each other's needs in a healthy way.
Healthy relationships have boundaries in them.
Remorse
Don't betray yourself to please others. It is natural to feel like you didn't do the right thing after enforcing a boundary, but it isn't wrong or bad to set them. Re-framing the way you think about boundaries will help you minimise the discomfort you may feel.
Remember: you are a good person.
Types of Boundaries
Here are some types of boundaries you may like to consider
HOW TO START BUILDING YOUR PERSONAL BOUNDARIES
Think about times where you’ve felt under pressure to behave in a certain way, you gave too much, felt controlled, or felt less than someone.
Do you find yourself saying yes to things that you regret later?
Have you neglected yourself and put others first?
These will help you to think about what healthy boundaries may have helped you in those situations.
My top tip for communicating healthy boundaries:
Don’t be wishy washy in speaking up.
Clearly communicate your position and intention.
For Example: A friend asks you to look after her plants while she is away.
You:
“Last time you asked me, your plants died. I don't think I am the right person.”
Or
“I am unable to look after your plants.”
Which do you think is best and more understandable that there is a clear boundary for your friend?
Saying you do not think you are the right person will leave it open for your friend to try to convince you that you are, you have not made it clear that you can not do it.
Stay true to yourself, sometimes you may need to be the ‘broken record’ and state your case a few times if they come back with other convincing statements in an attempt to dismiss your boundary.
State your truth:
I want....
I need....
I expect.....
Next time.....
Helping you to assess and set boundaries is a key element in the Healing the Motherline programmes.
If you'd like further support in discovering, communicating and maintaining your personal boundaries, check out the programmes available and contact me for a chat.
Online and in person courses are available.
Check out our available retreats
I can also work 1-1 or on a private retreat at Sedgebrook Hall (2 days). Contact me for details.
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