I am discovering more and more with my clients that having difficulties in their family in childhood, such as mothers with mental health issues or addiction issues seems to correlate with finding themselves in abusive relationships or relationships with narcissistic personality types. Some may even identify that they had a mother who was narcissitic and then they get the feeling that they have 'married their mother'. If this is not something that resonates with you then you have no need to read on but if it does please do as I am going to lay out some solutions for managing difficult, abusive or narcissitic relationships in adulthood.
My first suggestion would be 'get the hell out of there' but of course that is not so easy. By now your probably feel that alot of the problems in the relationship are your fault (that is because they have made you think that way by the way).
Arguments have probably been turned around to make you feel like you are the 'crazy one'. Especially when you feel so frustrated with the lies, the manipulation, the control, and the general doubt and rollercoaster of the relationship that you lose it and blow up in anger. Of course that was probably turned around to be your fault.
So how to move forward...
Start to look at your incessent need to please. You are a kind person and can not understand why anyone would be cruel to another person, but there are people who are like this and you are in a relationship with one.
Build your self worth- believe in yourself, you were fine until you got into this relationship, remember that!
Work on your boundaries
Below is the story of how my dear friend and colleague, managed their narcissism in their mother.
Jess
One of Jess's most profound victories came as she began to lift the veil on her family's closely guarded secrets. For years, the monstrous nature of her mother’s narcissistic behaviour was hidden behind closed doors. By bringing this truth into the open, Jess broke free from the shackles of secrecy that had long bound her to her mother’s manipulative behaviour.
As her mother aged and her behaviours became more aggressive, Jess recognized the necessity of setting iron-clad boundaries to protect her mental health. While societal norms often dictate that we care for our aging parents, Jess’s journey highlights the critical need for boundaries when parental relationships are defined by manipulation and emotional abuse. By reducing contact, refusing financial entanglement, and disentangling her identity from her mother’s expectations, Jess found the freedom she had yearned for.
Jess’s narrative is a poignant testament to the power of self-awareness and boundary-setting in the face of familial adversity. It underscores the importance of inner healing and self-compassion in interrupting cycles of abuse and reclaiming one’s narrative. Jess has converted years of trauma into a springboard for personal growth.
For those grappling with similar challenges, making the decision to prioritise one's mental health over societal obligations and toxic family ties can be daunting, yet, it can be the most liberating decision of all.
TIPS FOR MANAGING NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOUR
1. Write a list of unacceptable behaviours. You may need to think of it like a friend is in a bad relationship and is asking you for help as your internal monitor for bad or good behaviour may be a bit messed up due to your mother bond.
Bad behaviours could be
- name calling
- lying
- put downs
- blaming
- constant criticism
- rageful outbursts
- selfishness
- ignoring requests for changes in behaviour but buying gifts or giving treats.
- comments on your appearance or what you are wearing
- unsolicited advice giving
- control of finances or activities
2. Now set an internal boundary that you will not accept or minimise these behaviours anymore. You may need to think about safety in this part as direct challenges to the person may not go well but keep a mental/written note of what behaviours you are unwilling to accept anymore.
3. Start to tell yourself you are worthy of more than this treatment (see affirmations list)
4. Start to favour friends who do not have these narcissistic personality traits.
5. Notice any difference in how you feel with these favourable friends after spending time with them compared to the narcissistic personalities.
6. Pick and engage in activities that make you feel good.
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