As we move through the stages of life, the role between parent and child changes, swaps and morphs. The dynamics change.
As we get older, we start to notice the change in dynamics with our relationship with our parents. It's natural. They raised us to adulthood, and in turn as they age, they sometimes require our support, physically and emotionally. Sometimes, this happens too soon, and we can find ourselves with the role reversal at a much earlier age (even childhood!).
The term 'parentification' is used to describe a role reversal in which a child takes on responsibilities and emotional burdens typically belonging to a parent or caregiver. This can include caring for siblings, managing household tasks, or providing emotional support to a parent.
What is the impact of parentification?
Neglect of your own needs as a child
Learned behaviour to put other’s needs first
Struggle or inability to express your own feelings
Anger and resentment
Moving into relationships in adulthood with people who have mental health needs, health problems or addiction issues as this feels familiar.
We need to place boundaries. When we were children if we became carers it was difficult or impossible to do that. As adults we have choices but caring can be so familiar that we slip into it, disregarding our own needs.
How to place boundaries when you become a caretaker
It is important that you identify and place boundaries when you become a caretaker. It can feel so familiar to you that you get absorbed in helping and supporting, but at the detriment to yourself and your own life,
Here are some helpful tips to start putting boundaries in place:
1. List situations where you know someone else’s needs are coming before yours and it is having an impact on you.
2. Now list four things you can do to delegate or say ‘no’ to with that person. If you cannot find four that’s ok but at least have a think about this question.
3. Create some positive affirmations, say at least two to yourself daily.
4. Pick one nice thing from the list below to do for yourself and do it.
Buy yourself some flowers
Go for a massage
Have a day to yourself
Buy a new outfit
Go for a swim or a walk
Attend a sound bath or yoga class
Attend an art or crafts class
Meet with a friend who nurtures you
Call a friend
Book a counselling session
Additional helpful tip
The Permission Slip
Similar to a permission slip you may have had at school to be exempted from doing PE or any other activity you could use this idea to give yourself permission to take time for yourself. This may not be natural to you so imagining you are giving yourself a permission slip can be a useful brain hack.
I give ……......................… to do ..................................… instead of …..........................................……..
This is a permission slip for …….......................… to be exempted from attending ……..........................….. today due to…………..............................................
Look after yourself. You being happy, emotionally well-balanced and healthy is the best you can be to support others around you. You can not help when you are empty of resources yourself.
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